Yeard!

Yeard Shaving Preparation

2009-09-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

Friends-

Only 4 days remain until the professional beard assassin at Kennedy’s All-American Barber Club reduces me from an uber-manly, bearded warrior to a baby-faced 12-year-old. Needless to say, my emotions are going haywire as the seconds tic down to Sunday afternoon. On one hand, I am very excited to be able to do the following without the massive bird’s nest on my face:

1. Eat most foods like a normal human being, mostly hamburgers/sandwiches and soup, which I have had to avoid for the better part of the last year (though I tried to forge ahead and eat them anyway, the disgusted looks of my dining companions made me realize how absurd and beastly I must have looked with sandwich accoutrements and soup hanging out all over my bearded face. Ew.).

2. Enter any number of retail establishments without being judged and/or forced to leave because of my assumed homelessness.

3. Actually enjoy more than half of a beer or cocktail without the Yeard absorbing the rest and getting hammered on his own.

4. Enjoying the great outdoors in the Sunshine State without my face feeling like it’s on fire.

5. Go out into public to enjoy some adult beverages without being physically accosted by tiny men with Napoleon complexes.

On the other hand, I will miss the following:

1. The random pro-beard comment from passers-by

2. Obviously being the toughest, manliest SOB this side of the Mississippi

3. Not shaving every day

4.Having a warm, fuzzy face sweater to protect my delicate skin when confronted with the arctic air conditioning at most restaurants and movie houses in Florida.

5. Raising money for a kick-ass charity.

As I said, the emotions are running high around here. I’ve already been put on warning by my fiancée, Shelleanor of Arabia, that she may not go through with our upcoming nuptials because she hasn’t seen my face in a year and won’t be used to it, so at least I have that going for me. I’m going to spend the rest of the afternoon today researching Buddhist chants and other relaxing exercises that I can perform on Sunday to avoid any possible separation anxiety/abandonment issues for when the Yeard is gone. Either that, or I’ll drink many, many Natty Lite tall boys at Graffiti Junktion…that can cure anything (even swine flu). And to prepare all of you, here is a picture of yours truly, sans manly Yeard:

Child-like? Yes. Cute-as-a-button? Absolutely.

Keep your eyes peeled for the last Yeard update this Friday, where I will say a grandiose farewell to all of you, the faithful followers of the Yeard. Also, tell your friends about the shaving party that is taking place in Thornton Park this Sunday starting at 2pm. If they have questions, tell them to call me personally: 407-583-9775 (ladies, control yourselves…I’m spoken for. And you really don’t want to deal with the wrath of a vengeful Shelley). As always, go donate: www.firstgiving.com/yeard and pass on the blog to all of your friends: www.yeard.blogspot.com. See you Friday!

-DBP

Death of the Yeard/Danny's Face Liberation Party Update!

2009-09-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

Whisker-loving Compatriots-

Welcome back to the wonderful world of work and/or school. I can only hope that your Labor Day Weekend 2009 was as enjoyable as my booze-fueled romp through the streets of Downtown Orlando and Thornton Park. For those of you who were a part of the fun, thank you. There’s nothing like the first weekend of College Football (go, Gators!) culminating in Sunday Funday with the following memorable events:

- Seeing a man named “Boner” with a Camelbak full of vodka riding a mini-bike all over Downtown

- Relaxing to the smooth, smooth sounds of “Aicha” by the supremely talented Gellieman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODmQSPGW6-k

- Watching DJ Korn Dog rock the mic at Graffiti Junktion’s karaoke, then doing drunken Bingo with DJ Korn Dog 4 hours later at Waitiki (where I was the lucky winner of some rather risqué adhesive bandages; the container itself claims that small cuts heal faster with provocative ladies on them…what is the world coming to?)

- Drinking my weight in the delicious nectar-of-the-Gods, beer.

Once again, however, a picture will do way more justice than my sub-par explanations. For some reason, the Yeard has taken quite a shine to the time-honored tradition that is Sunday Funday. For the uninitiated, Sunday Funday is a magical, mysterious happening when a group of like-minded, free-spirited partiers refuses to let the party dye after Saturday night. After sometimes resting for only a few, short hours, a suitable destination is chosen by the group early on Sunday morning, the group descends upon said location, and commences with the mimosa/beer/Bloody Mary drinking and brunch eating. These late-weekend parties sometimes go on all day and well into Sunday night, when most mere mortals are mentally preparing for another boring work week. Myself, as well as most of my friends, gladly partake in these festivities to try and fight back against the coming of Monday. Unfortunately, like I said before, the Yeard has grown increasingly enamored with this idea, and together with my natural affinity for Sunday Funday, my Sundays sometimes turn into awesomeness like this:

Pure, unadulterated Awesome.

I’m sure it’s going to take you (especially the ladies) several minutes to compose yourselves after witnessing such manliness and beauty intermingled in one glorious Yearded human being, so please, take a moment. After all, I am already spoken for, but friends, this is the kind of awesome party animal that you can expect in a little less than two weeks at the Death of the Yeard/Danny’s Face Liberation Party (minus all of the hair, of course). So please come down to Thornton Park, have yourselves a Sunday Funday with yours truly, and let’s get Cents of Relief as much money as we possibly can. Donations will be accepted (cash and checks) and handled by an appropriately responsible, sober party to be delivered directly to Cents of Relief. There may be media coverage, so you may find yourselves in the local news as well. More party details are coming forthwith, so pencil in the party on your calendars...Sunday, September 20th at Kennedy’s, Mother Falcon Clothing, and Graffiti Junktion in Thornton Park. See you there!

-DBP

Go donate early (www.firstgiving.com/yeard) and tell your friends about the Yeard (www.yeard.blogspot.com) and Cents of Relief (www.centsofrelief.org).

Yeard Update, Week 50: Reflections of the Yeard

2009-09-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yeardos-

As the light begins to fade on the life of the Yeard (wow that sounds depressing), I find myself reflecting on earlier, happier times in the scraggly, unkempt beast’s life. Carefree times when the world was new and unexplored to the Yeard, who was a mere spring chicken, with endless possibilities of unlimited growth, facial hair world-dominance, and charity fundraising capabilities. Now, 50 weeks in, I would like to show you the comparison between baby beard and old man homeless Yeard:

Example #1: Less than a year ago all of you bore witness to the Yeard’s first college football season, specifically 11 weeks into the Yeard during the ass-kicking that the Florida Gators handed to the Alabama Crimson Tiny Wave in the 2008 SEC Championship game (as evidenced by the first picture below). A few short months later, and the Yeard is still around, albeit a bit long, fuller, and more glorious, to witness the almighty Florida Gators embark on their noble quest for a third National Title in four years:

The baby Yeard is so young and innocent…the old man homeless Yeard is so long and homeless.

Example #2: In week 7, I introduced you to the newest member of the 12 N Shine clan, Avery the Monster. At the time, she was a young, spritely creature who loved to play in the yard, play with her sister, and could be held in the palm of my hand. Fast-forward 43 weeks, and you see that this little bundle of joy has turned into a 70-lb. nightmare of a beast, who spends her time digging up the fine shrubbery surrounding 12 N Shine, eating anything she can get in her mouth (including an entire 5 lb. rotisserie chicken, bones and all about a month ago), and terrorizing her sister. She also went from palm-size to enormous (though she does still have a tiny head) in what seems like the blink of an eye. The dog food bills alone are driving me to the poor house. I think the pictures do it better justice than my ramblings, so take a look:

I don’t even know what to say. Shelley, this is your fault for buying such an awesome Christmas gift.

Yes, friends, we have been through a lot in the last 50 weeks. And with only two more weeks to go before the massive Death of the Yeard/Danny’s Face Liberation Party, you only have a short time to reflect on your own lives, specifically how little you have contributed to the awesome charity that is Cents of Relief. We are still about $3,000 short of our goal, so do the right thing and force yourselves to be philanthropic so we can reach our goal: www.firstgiving.com/yeard. If you think your friends would like to hear about the cause or would appreciate my ramblings, let them know about the blog and the upcoming party: www.yeard.blogspot.com. If you would like to learn more about the cause that the Yeard is living (and soon-to-be dying for), go to www.centsofrelief.org. See you next week, or sooner if I secretly ninja you a picture over Labor Day weekend. Be safe!

-DBP

P.S. Party details are being worked out as we speak…if you have a Facebook account, go to the event site and RSVP, because it’s going to rule: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=155348914740&ref=mf

Monday Morning Yeard Time

2009-08-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

Friends-

Due to the crushing guilt that I feel for not regularly updating for a large portion of the last couple of months, I thought it would be nice to show you as many glimpses of the Yeard in public places as possible over the last few weeks of his short life. This particularly artsy shot was a self-portrait taken at Spice in Thornton Park shortly after eating the rarest hamburger I have ever seen. And yes, it made me feel like a caveman eating ground up, raw dinosaur. Rawr! Also, several notes regarding the self-portrait: 1. It really looks like the beard is ready to fly off of my face, led bravely by my long, glorious, wispy moustache I love the moustache so much, in fact, that I am trying to find a way to convince Shelley that it should be invited to our upcoming nuptials. 2. Yes, that is a giant, manly man ring…I highly recommend them to any sissy, girly men who are in need of more manliness.

Anywho, enjoy this glorious Monday, and be sure to check your inboxes regularly in case I feel froggy enough to send you more pictures.

P.S.

There are many exciting plans afoot for the Death of the Yeard/Danny’s Face Liberation Party…get excited, people!

P.P.S.

Since I forgot to include it in the last update and we’re nowhere near our fundraising goal, go donate!:

www.firstgiving.com/yeard

Tell your friends!:

www.yeard.blogspot.com

Skinhead? Of course not.

2009-08-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

Though I long ago failed half of Mission: Yeard (not cutting my hair for 12 months to match the beard) due to the fact that I couldn’t physically stand it (Florida’s heat and humidity are to blame here), nor could I cope with the emotional undertaking (having people stare at you because they think you’re homeless and don’t belong in restaurants/convenience stores/homes can take quite the toll), I have found a new way to further perpetuate the absurdity of my appearance. Unfortunately this did not involve Yeard-straightening, because although I am fairly cavalier with my spending habits, as many of you can attest to when having parties with me, even I thought it was absurd to spend $250 on chemical beard straightening. Instead, to maximize the absurd girth of the Yeard, I opted to reduce the volume of hair elsewhere on my head, with this result:

I’m really not a Nazi Skinhead, but I sure do look like one.

Thanks to the help of our dear friend, Holy Schmidt, as well as several(ish) mojitos, I now look like an angry Neo-Nazi Skinhead. Now, instead of people not acknowledging me and/or avoiding me, they turn and run the other direction out of pure, unadulterated fear. And, once again, I put my own health and well-being on the line for the Yeard. Once Shelley the Bridezilla had a look at my new ‘do, things did not go so well…let’s just say that I hope my hair grows back enough for the wedding, or I will have hell to pay.

SHAVE PARTY UPDATE!

Yeard fans, I am very happy to announce that the planning of the death of the Yeard and accompanying party are well under way. The fine gentlemen at Orlando’s premier men’s barber club, Kennedy’s, have generously offered to both professionally kill the Yeard and host a wake/party afterwards. Tentatively, the Yeard’s execution will take place at 2:00pm at Kennedy’s All-American Barber club in Thornton Park, and the Danny’s Face Liberation Party will last until 4pm. And don’t worry, there will be plenty of photo opportunities available for you to take a picture with the Yeard before it is gone forever. Also, some refreshments, courtesy of Kennedy’s, will be provided. Once the official party is over, Sunday Funday begins at Graffiti Junktion, and then wherever else my newly-naked face decides we should go. Be there or be square, peeps. 23 days to go!

Daniel and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Yeard

2009-08-07T12:28:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemens,

Good afternoon. I hope the end of the week finds all of you doing exceptionally well and in great anticipation of a second consecutive Yeard update. I know, I can hardly believe it myself...this many updates in a row has to be some kind of record. For today’s update, I would like to present to you another lesson in the fun world of genetics, or as I like to call it Daniel and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Yeard. For reasons beyond my comprehension, the hair follicles on my face did not follow the lead of those on my head. Instead of the luxurious, thick, brown flowing locks that you all know and love (pictured here with a very confused, very intoxicated friend who, for privacy reasons, we will call Brian Foyce...and look at that pre-Yeard baby face!), my beard is made up of course curly-q’s that come in lit-rally thousands of colors. While inside or at night, the color differences remain subtle and mysterious, but in the full force of the unyielding Florida sun, my Yeard looks like it could be on fire:

1 Thumb up for Parties!

Somebody get this man a fire extinguisher

The color of my Yeard is the source of much torment for me, as certain individuals like to make jokes (Kyle, this would be you. And for the last time, my name is not Captain Red Beard). But I must endure for the cause, so I embrace my multi-colored Yeard and celebrate its originality. Have a fantastic weekend, friends. I, for one, will be very busy motorcycling and canoeing , but not at the same time. That’s just silly that you would think that. Until next week, peace!

DBP

P.S. Spread the word and go donate! We only have a few weeks left with the Yeard and should really push to reach the goal of $5K for a wonderful charity like Cents of Relief. Do your civic duty (haha!). www.firstgiving.com/yeard & www.yeard.blogspot.com

Yeard Update, Week...no idea.

2009-07-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

Friends-

Although I’ve already failed miserably in my mission to keep all of you abreast (naughty!) of the Yeard’s latest exploits every week, I am still pushing forward and updating irregularly to try and raise as much money for this awesome cause as we can…so don’t fault Cents of Relief for my disjointed, sporadic blogging habits. Now on to the update goodness!

As you can see from the picture below, the Yeard is alive and well, and bushy/curly as ever. Throughout this adventure, I have become fascinated with genetics and how your genes affect everything. Case-in-point: the Yeard itself. Those of you who know me personally can attest to the fact that my hair is as straight as it gets. No waves, no curls (which I am pretty upset about, since I can’t rock sweet afro without chemical intervention), nada…just dead straight hair. Alternatively, if you travel a few inches South you find the curliest hair known to man. Unfortunately for me (and my dream of possessing a sweet ZZ Top-style beard), the curliness of the Yeard has prevented the monstrous growth that I had anticipated. Starting around the 4 month mark, the Yeard stopped getting longer and started getting bigger. Instead of growing long and luxurious, I am now stuck with this enormous, cartoonish hair cloud:

This is just getting absurd. Awesome and manly, but absurd. The things I will do for philanthropy are astounding. But, like I said, the cause is well worth looking like a crazed, homeless cartoon for a year, so get out there and go donate! www.firstgiving.com/yeard Also, if you’d like to read some of the old updates (I haven’t added any of the newer ones recently…get off my back, I’m very busy and important), go visit the Yeard’s very on blog: www.yeard.blogspot.com Have a kickass weekend!

P.S.

I have also learned a very valuable lesson for any bearded man: most dogs are not intimated by your luxurious mane, they will actually try to attack it. I had to learn this the hard way when I was introduced to the spritely little devil below, Q (ueen Elizabeth I) Schmidt, the newest member of the ultrahip Schmidt clan. If I didn’t have the reflexes of a cat, Qbert would have gladly ripped a sizable chunk of the Yeard’s mass from my face and had a hell of a time playing with it. Fortunately, she only had the chance to tug on it a little bit, causing intense pain to yours truly. But she really is a gem, and I recommend that you meet her ASAP:

P.P.S:

Go find Cents of Relief on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/CentsOfRelief?ref=nf) and Twitter (http://twitter.com/CentsOfRelief) to keep up with the latest news.

Peace!

Yeard Update!

2009-05-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemens-

It has been yet another two weeks since I last updated you on my increasingly insane level of hairiness, so I apologize for not keeping up with the updates. You will be happy to know, however, that my two weeks off was filled with fun and excitement. During the two week stretch, I was attacked by the gout twice (yes, I am 26-years-old and have old rich man disease, I’m that awesome), roamed the potato fields, train tracks, and wineries of Boise, Idaho (thanks to my delightful cousin Brian and his kickass family), and watched the MagicS continue their march through the playoffs even after trying to lose every game they play. I hope your two weeks were just as lovely. As you can see below, I have moved on from my reign as Homeless Businessman into new and uncharted territories of beardedness. From the comments that are shouted at me by passersby on the streets of Orlando, I am now turning into one of three people: Matisyahu, the very talented Hasidic Jew Reggae-rapping one hit wonder, Joaquin Phoenix, talented-actor-turned-terrible/fake-rapper, or Jesus, who needs no introduction.

By my estimation, I either need to start my rap career immediately while the Yeard is in full effect or I need to start turning water into wine (which would certainly save me money when Shelley is around and ready to party…zing!). I now implore you, dearest Yeard fans, to let me know who you think I look like. The Yeard needs a new persona and the masses will decide his fate. So bust out your creative thinking caps, keep it clean, and find me a new alter ego…I eagerly await your responses.

Also, there are plans in the works to get the Yeard chemically straightened in order to achieve maximum absurdity. As you can see, due to the curliness of my facial hair the Yeard’s length hasn’t changed too much over the last month or so. I am deathly afraid of allowing Shell to straighten it with her hair straightener (searing hot ceramic and hair don’t mix…If there’s one thing in life I could do without, it’s having my face catch on fire), so we’re going the reverse-perm route. I am confident that such a drastic measure will almost double the Yeard’s length, meaning that I will finally be able to join ZZ Top. I will keep you updated with any tentative plans. Until then, stay strong, tell many people about the Yeard @ www.yeard.blogspot.com, and go donate: www.firstgiving.com/yeard. Party!

2009-04-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

Peeps-

Yes, I know it’s been 2 weeks since my last update, but I can barely begin to describe what my life has been like with the Yeard running amok. His reign of terror has increased in intensity tenfold since we last corresponded. I began to suspect something was amiss when I woke up with my laptop on my chest and several Yeard hairs stuck to the keyboard. After a little interweb e-mail sleuthing, I had the cold, hard evidence that I needed…apparently the Yeard has been logging in to the matrix to learn the secrets of the internets. How an inanimate collection of hairs is able to surf the ‘net, I will never know. Also, it has recently come to my attention that all of you somehow “forgot” to mention that the ungrateful bird’s nest on my face secretly hacked my internets to send you a secret communiqué. Shame on all of you for not alerting me to his new tricks. Because of your lackadaisical group attitude, the Yeard has now become a sentient being, and a rather cunning adversary at that.

Though he somehow managed to sedate me in order to use my computer, he was not smart enough to cover his digital tracks, allowing me to log in to his Flickr account to see photos of the new hobbies that he has adopted after learning about them via the web. Below you will find some of the outrageous activities that the Yeard has been up to while I slumber at night:

Shown here, practicing the ancient art of Karate with his new Sensei, Master Jim.

Shown here, mastering the difficult and very cold sport of Curling.

Yes, this is the Yeard on the floor of the Senate in what I can only assume is the start of a brilliant political Career.

People, I need your help to stop this insanity. Yes, for now it’s funny to see my Yeard actively engaging in these various activities, but it’s only a matter of time before he will demand his independence from my face, or worse, put my sleeping self in a hazardous and/or illegal situation that I could not control…for example, see the picture below of Raynok the Eggman. By day, Raynok is an upstanding, gainfully-employed member of society. By night, his beard turns into a drug-smoking, ruaucous beast that Raynok cannot control. I fear that if I do not act quickly to control the Yeard, he will do something illegal or disgusting to spite me for not granting his independence from my face.

So, if you are contacted by the Yeard again, call me immediately. Despite my desire to help the Indians via Cents of Relief by keeping this hairy bastard on my face, I must consider my own personal safety first. ‘Til next week…

- DBP

P.S. We haven’t had a donation in several weeks…get on it!: www.firstgiving.com/yeard

P.P.S.: Send your uninitiated friends to the blog archives to catch up: www.yeard.blogspot.com

P.P.P.S.: I have way too much time on my hands on Friday afternoons…deal with it. Peace!

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, dear Yeard, Happy Birthday to you!

2009-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

Peeps-

Well, Friends, we have reached the half way point. 6 months/26/weeks/182.5 days done, 6 months/26/weeks/182.5 days to go. To commemorate the occasion and to let the Yeard know how proud I was of him and to thank him for all of his hard work thus far, I sent him this birthday card in the mail:

He was quite happy to receive it, thought I don’t think he fully understood the 6 month line…I think it’d be best to keep him in the dark of his impending demise. But in all seriousness, I would like to thank each and every one of you for putting up with my weekly emails, especially those of you who have donated to the cause. It means a great deal to both me personally and to all of the people that Cents of Relief have been able to help. Please keep spreading the word, forwarding the emails, and of course, donating, and I will continue to try and humor you every Friday afternoon. If we both do our parts, I have no doubt that we can and will reach our ultimate goal of raising $5,000. In the meantime, this is what it looks like when a mid-twenties man doesn’t shave for 6 months…pretty frightening, isn’t it?

Now that it’s warm enough to swim, do you think my head will automatically float in the pool?

As always, please forward this email and these links on to your friends, family, and co-workers: www.firstgiving.com/yeard & www.yeard.blogspot.com. Have a wonderful weekend of March Madness and beer drinking!

- DBP

P.S.

Just to whet your appetites, there is an end of the Yeard shaving party in the works. It will most likely be catered and open-bar (open bar, dude!) with a cover charge at the door that will be donated to Cents of Relief…more information to come in the coming months.

Week 25: A Yeard Gripe

2009-03-13T12:16:00.001-07:00

Dearest Yeard Followers-

If you’re reading this then you already know…I didn’t send out an update last week (week 24). For shame, I know, but it was the Yearded One’s Birthday last weekend, and many awesome celebratory events were distracting me from the cause. Many beers were consumed, many laughs were had, several pounds of grilled meats were consumed, one river was canoed…quite an enjoyable Birthday celebration. I thank all of you who were in attendance and special props to my cousins Justin and Meghan Hess, who sacrificed a large part of their vacation to Jamlando to prepare delicious Birthday feasts…you guys kick ass. Anywho, on to the update:

As we are nearing the halfway point of the Yearded Odyssey, I thought I would take a moment to recount to you good people how the Yeard is effecting my daily life. 99% of the time, I am completely happy, almost to the point of being a giddy school girl, that I have a thick mane of man hair on my face. It makes me feel virile and awesome like our bearded forefathers (think Ulysses S. Grant, Chuck Norris, and Kimbo Slice [before he lost]). The other 1%, however, can only be described as pure hell. Aside from the horribly degrading looks I get from strangers for looking like a vagrant, there are many other day-to-day problems with having a beard:

1. The time that I used to save by not shaving is now lost to picking down feathers out of my Yeard when I wake up from bed. Normally feathers stay inside pillows and mattress pad thingies, but for some reason, my Yeard is like a magnet to them. I’m really starting to think that Shelley may collecting feathers during the day, drugging me at night, and sticking them in my manly face coat just to F around with me…but beware, Rodgers, for I am watching you like a hawk. Seriously though, it takes me at least 5 minutes every morning to get them out…horrible!

2. Eating and drinking have become a logistical nightmare. Sandwiches and hamburgers are now out of the question, as my gloriously long moustache acts like 2 guards against the invading food. I’ve seen them lit-rally fight off a hamburger…everything must be in small, bite-size pieces so that I can sneak it past the wily moustache with a fork. Also, there’s the beer problem. Those of you who know me know that I love my beers. I don’t know if my moustache and Yeard have developed a taste for the hard stuff, but it’s now impossible to drink a pint or out of a bottle without half of the brew being lost to the sponge-like hair. Now when I go out I have to switch to the good old Maker’s Mark and ginger ale with a straw to elude the booze-thirsty Yeard.

3. Yes, the Yeard is big. But since my facial hair is curly instead of straight like my hair helmet, the Yeard is refusing to get long. Instead of growing down a la Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill (ZZ Top, duh), its mass just continues to grow as it curls in on itself. Yeah, it’s big, but I want it to be long too (that is DEFINITELY what she said). Most of the time I am self-conscious about this problem to where I think I look like this (a/k/a a giant, bushy idiot):

My Cherokee name is “Tiny Head Large Body”

Anyways, enough griping. The bottom line is that beards, in any form, kick serious ass and you should all grow one. Ladies, since I don’t want you to feel left out or start an unnecessary (and gross) round of hormone and or gene therapy, I would suggest you visit this site to get in on the action: http://beardhead.com/ That way we can all feel manly and awesome together. Here is this Week 25’s photo update, and yes, I now have a bird living in my “nest.” His name is Barney and he loves peanuts:

As always, feel free to spread the word by forwarding the weekly emails on to your family, friends, and strangers, and visit the blog: www.yeard.blogspot.com and the charity page: www.firstgiving.com/yeard. If you haven’t gotten me a Birthday present yet, feel free to donate to Cents of Relief via the link in my name. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, and I will see you next Friday at the halfway point.

- DBP

Week 24 Anti-Update

2009-03-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of a post this week, but it's my Birthday and I have way too much fun stuff to do. See you next week!

Yeard Update, Week 23!

2009-02-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Well, it’s finally happened. We’ve moved beyond the hilarity of the “Homeless Businessman” to me actually being labeled homeless. Below you will find an excerpt from the libelous gossip rag that is the Orlando Sentinel. Formerly an upstanding source for the daily local and national news; now, a hate-mongering, left-wing pop-culture nightmare. If you look closely, you will see an article by the overly-hyped and incendiary Scott Maxwell regarding the recent explosion in the homeless population of the greater Orlando area. I am all for bringing attention to problems or plights of the City Beautiful and its people, especially the hot-button topic of the homeless in O-Town. I am not, however, very pleased that I am the new face of Homeless Orlando. Below you will find a picture of me with two friends (I’m in the middle) enjoying a nice relaxing rest on Orange Avenue downtown. Somehow three men drinking in public and wearing dirty, raggedy clothes was construed by Mr. Maxwell as yours truly being homeless. Yes, it may have been 2o’clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday, and yes, it also happened to be laundry day (which explains the absurd outfit I have on), but it was hot and we were thirsty and thought beers would be superb…and they were. This is outrage! Check your facts carefully, Mr. Maxwell, because you are now on the Yeard’s bad side. After I embark on a campaign to clear my good name and show people the all bearded men are not homeless, I am turning my attention on you. Soon enough, people will think YOU are homeless, idot! Viva la Barba!

Here is Week 23’s picture update….holy hair. Summer is going to suck! See you on the flipside.

P.S.

Go donate and spread the word! www.firstgiving.com/yeard & www.yeard.blogspot.com

Yeard Update, Week 22 - Origins of the Yearded One.

2009-02-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

All-

Every time you get a weekly Yeard update, I can imagine that the internal conversation that you have with yourself (inside your head, of course) probably goes something like this:

Self: “Wow. His Yeard is amazingly thick and manly.”
Self: “Yeah, I know. It gets even better every week. I want to marry it.”
S: “You said it, Us. I wonder if he’s always been on the cutting edge of facial hairedness?”
S: “Probably. That thing is pretty sweet, but there is no way to know for sure. Do you think he’s always been able to grow that beast?”

Well, dearest friends, I am here to answer those questions for you. Question 1: Have I always been able to grow a beard? The short answer to this question, ladies and gents, is yes. I clearly remember a day in November of 1983 when my nursery chums and I, after several pints of milk, decided to collectively man up and have a beard growing contest. This was my first foray into the world of beard-growing, and I was determined to be victorious. As you can see below, my first beard ever was, in fact, the winner of the Inaugural Dorscher Nursery Beard Growing Contest:

This is the sole remaining picture of the illustrious start of my beard-growing career. As you can see, I am quite upset in the photo. Had the picture been taken from another angle, you would have borne witness to the ridiculous sight that was my embarrassed mother: A camera in one hand, a razor in the other, and a demonic look in her eye. Apparently bearded babies were too much awesome for this young mother to handle. At least Diane was courteous enough to document its awesomeness before she ended its infantile reign. I can say with complete conviction that I support Babies with Beards, and I hope beyond all hope that my first born son follows in my footsteps and has the ability to grow a manly mane.

Question 2: Have I always been on the cutting edge of facial hairedness? Well, unlike the first, this is not a simple question to answer. Obviously, the glory that is moustaches and beards were around long before I graced this planet, but I can say that I have always supported both wholeheartedly and with the passion of one thousand suns. The Yeard, however, may have changed all of this. According to this article* - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29108262/from/ET/ - the Yeard is a trendsetter.

Below is Week 22’s picture. As you can see, the hair helmet/facemask combo is in full effect. I am already dreading the scorching Florida summers. Hopefully the hair/Yeard combo will not be set ablaze in the ensuing months.

As always, feel free to re-capture the magic of the older updates at www.yeard.blogspot.com or donate for a good cause at www.firstgiving.com/yeard. Peace!

* P.S. Thank you to Lizard and McKnew** for sending me the aforementioned link about beards. Keeping up-to-date with current events is vital to every concerned citizen. Now go read something educational.

** David McKnew, my college roommate and very good friend, has already fulfilled my dreams for my firstborn with his firstborn. Beard-loving masses, I present to you Michael Joseph McKnew, the finest Bearded Baby in all the land…touché, David, touché:

Half-hearted and Late Yeard Update, Week 21

2009-02-16T12:41:00.000-08:00

My Friends-
I am terribly sorry about the lack of updating last week, but there were unforeseen circumstances beyond my control that prevented me from keeping you entertained. However, the picture below should cheer you up just a bit, as Vikings have been known to do…I will see all of you on Friday for a regularly-scheduled update.

P.S.:

Spread the Word! www.yeard.blogspot.com & www.firstgiving.com/yeard

5 Months In!

2009-02-06T11:30:00.000-08:00

Friends-

As of today, the Yeard is 20 weeks long. To commemorate such a huge milestone in the life of the Yeard, I thought it would be appropriate to respond to a few of the questions that the Yeard has spurred over the last 5 months. Join me…

1. Question: Do you have a job/where do you work that allows you to have that thing on your face?

Answer: I do indeed have gainful employment at an Orlando-based mortgage broker/lender that was started by my parents in 1985. While I don’t deal with customers face-to-face (or Yeard-to-face), I do recruit and interview potential employees. Usually when I walk into the conference room for a sit-down, the unsuspecting interviewee is quite shocked at my appearance. The things I do for charity. Anywho, if you want me to mortgage the crap out of something for you, email me or visit www.amfc.com.

2. Q: Overall, what has the public’s reaction been to the Yeard?

A: As I’ve said in previous posts, most men in their mid to late twenties highly enjoy the Yeard. There are a handful of idiots who take the Yeard as a sign to challenge me to a rousing bout of fisticuffs to prove their mettle, but for the most part, people of the clean-shaven persuasion usually just have questions or comments. Those fine individuals that are smart enough to adorn their mugs with a beard or moustache, there is definitely a silent nod of acknowledgement that happens when we pass by one another. It’s a secret brotherhood that you baby-faces don’t understand. As for the females, they’re usually split between “Ew, that’s disgusting,” or they love it and want to touch it (that’s what she said). It’s a definite conversation starter, and overall, I’ve had very some good conversations about beards, moustaches, Cents of Relief, and looking homeless with many good people, including this fine gentleman:

3. Q: Do you have a girlfriend/When’s the last time you felt the touch of a woman?

A: I do, indeed have a girlfriend, the lovely tomcat below. At the outset of this adventure, she harbored some very serious reservations and was not sure that she could make it through to the end. I am very happy to say that I believe it’s grown on her (not lit-rally, because it’s growing on me…come on, people). So she either likes it or hides her feelings very well. Even though we’re not even to the halfway point, she’s already dropping hints about the shave date, so any desires that I had of keeping the Yeard forever (Foreveard?) may be out the window (though I’m still going to fight against the death of the Yeard). On a completely different note, today is Shell’s Birthday…Yay! If you are lucky enough to know her, give her a shout and wish her a Happy Birthday. For those of you drinking around the world at Epcot with us tomorrow, put your drinking pants on…we have work to do.

Finally, here is Week 20’s picture, a nice sideview shot to showcase the respectable girth that the Yeard has attained in 5 months. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be forced out of civilization and into the woods at some point fairly soon…the Homeless Businessman is turning into the Homeless Mountain Man.

As always, thank you for keeping the movement strong. Please pass it along to anyone who you think would be interested, and definitely push them into donating at www.firstgiving.com/yeard. And remember, all of the email updates are archived at www.yeard.blogspot.com. Have a wonderful weekend.

-DBP

Week 19: I am lame.

2009-01-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

Amigos de el Yeard-

I hope Friday afternoon finds all of you doing superbly. Unfortunately, I have seen better days. As I sit here writing this update to keep you, the fans of the Yeard, fulfilled and happy, I can barely see over the mountain of work on my desk. Although it may seem difficult to grasp, there are a few things that are more pressing than my update (my job being the most important one), so unfortunately, this one will be cut short….I apologize for my lameness in advance. Below you will see this week’s picture of the Yeard, and yes, I sometimes take pictures of myself in the mirror (which explains the backwards jacket logo). Don’t judge. At least I am fully clothed in this one.

On a brighter note, the Yeard has now entered a new form of media: the blog. For those of you who weren’t fortunate enough to join as at the beginning of this hair-filled odyssey, you will now be able to go back through the archives and read about all of my Yearded exploits throughout the last 19 weeks. Each and every e-mailed update has been painstakingly recreated (read: cut and pasted from my email outbox) to provide you with a comprehensive source of all things Yeard. For those of you who have been here from the get-go, a trip down memory lane via the Yeard blog may give you enough inspiration to donate to the cause (or re-donate for those of you good people who have already done so). So head on over to http://yeard.blogspot.com/ to take a look at some older, funnier posts to make up for this crappy one. I promise to return to our regularly scheduled funny updates next week. Have a fantastic weekend.

P.S. Despite the fact that this was, in fact, the worst Yeard update ever (it’s science), please go donate: www.firstgiving.com/yeard.
P.P.S It just occurred to me that the Yeard blog has solved the number 1 complaint about the Yeard updates. Because I send these emails via the BCC recipient line, none of you bozos know who receives this email and it also prevents you from mass-emailing your undoubtedly witty comments to everyone on the list. Yes, that was intentional. The blog, however, has a comment section that you will have free reign over. Please feel free to comment to your hearts desire, but let’s play nice, for you certainly don’t want the wrath of the Yeard to rain down upon you. Plus, your respective mothers collectively taught all of you better than that.
- DBP

Week 18: The Official Uniform of the Homeless Businessman

2009-01-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

Friends ‘O the Yeard-

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the picture below, you have the opportunity to feast your eyes on the only thing in the entire universe that can beat The Combo in a head-to-head coolness brawl to the death: The Super Ultimate Combo. That’s right, my friends. The Super Ultimate Combo is the single most spectacular thing that can ever adorn the physique of a true gentleman for several reasons. First, form. The addition of a sweater vest to anything usually equals heightened attractiveness, unless you’re Mark “Marky Mark” Whalberg circa 1991 and you wear just a sweater vest with no shirt underneath. Then you just look like an idiot. But back to the point: sweater vests are downright sexy. There, I said it. Secondly, function. Sweater vests have been on the cutting edge of fashion technology for the better part of the last century. Think about it. What other single article of clothing allows your body to stay nice and warm while allowing your arms to be cool and free? Exactly...none. No other garment has that level of badassery. Although I am a huge proponent of the traditional Combo, sometimes the Super Ultimate Combo is an absolute necessity. Case in point: The frigid and arctic temperatures of the great white North descended upon Orlando this week, placing this normally tropical area in an unrelenting icy grip. Had I not had access to the Super Ultimate Combo, there is no way that I could have had the warmth necessary to cross the frozen tundra that is my office parking lot. Sweater vests save the day again. Now on to the photo (please be advised not to stare at this picture for too long…there is just way too much awesomeness in one place and you might burn your retinas):

P.S. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Real men wear pink.

P.P. S. Go donate!: www.firstgiving.com/yeard

P.P.P. S Here is a recent picture of the evil monster known as Avery. She has tripled in size since the Yeard was born in late September, and she’s very, very dangerous. If you encounter the beast, protect your food with all of your might, for she will take it from you. Look at the food-lust in those eyes…it will give you chills. Peace out!

Week 17: Homeless Businessman Strikes Orlando!

2009-01-30T10:59:00.000-08:00

Friends-

Today I would like to talk about a subject that has become very important to my life as of late: Beard Etiquette. If you are either a lady or a sissy man who has never grown a beard, you are not privy to the unspeakable horrors that can happen to a member of the bearded brethren, or how important it is that people conduct themselves with at least a modicum of beard etiquette. To make matters simple, I have compiled the following lists. First, things that you should definitely do when you encounter a beard in the wild, and second, things that you should never, ever do to a beard in the wild, lest you want to lose a limb or suffer some other terrible bodily harm.

Things that You Should Definitely Do When You Encounter a Beard in the Wild:

1. Tip your cap to the bearded warrior and say something to the effect of “I admire your facial hair, good sir. Keep up the good work in the fight against The Man/Conformity.” From my own personal experience, this usually happens in the following manner: On a weekend night, usually after midnight (when the alcohol is flowing freely), a random drunk dude will run at me out of nowhere, spilling his gin and tonic on my shoes while screaming “DUDE! SWEET F’ING BEARD! THAT’S AWESOME!” Putting up with this drunken buffoonery is usually worth the compliment.

2. If the bearded gentleman is both suave and stylish enough to be wearing a bow tie, compliment him on rocking the sweet, sweet combo.

3. If you are of the female persuasion and an overwhelming desire to touch a bearded gentleman’s monument to masculinity, do so cautiously, for it is both his prized possession and a part of his face. Be polite and ask first if you can manage to suppress your overwhelming passion for beards.

Things that You Should Never, Ever Do to a Beard in the Wild, Lest You Want to Lose a Limb or Suffer Some Other Terrible Bodily Harm

1. As a continuation of #3 from the previous list and regardless of whether you are male or female, never touch, manhandle, or in any other way grope someone’s beard without their permission. It is like somebody coming up to you and rubbing their grubby little hands all over your face, and it’s not pleasant, especially if said person is a stranger. I don’t know where your hands have been, so keep those germ haulers away from my precious face sweater. Also, even if you do have permission to touch, never, ever, ever pull on a beard…it is quite painful and may cause a very adverse reaction in the temperament of the beard’s owner (just ask KTG, KTJ or K. Fulford).

2. Never start a fight with a fully-bearded man. Any man that has the dedication and tenacity to rock a full-grown beard is probably much tougher than you and will pummel you if provoked. Instigating a fight can include name calling (Note from personal experience: calling a bearded man “Grizzly Adams” isn’t technically an insult, more of an accurate description), other forms of trash talkage, and of course, suckerpunching.

3. Don’t ask a bearded man if he “lost a bet.” If anything, he has a kickass full beard because he won a bet of some sort.

Below is this week’s picture. As you can see, I have been practicing the “Crazy Homeless Businessman” look, and I believe I’m nearing perfection. Feel free to feel uncomfortable/slightly unnerved when looking at it. I know it creeps me out. Peace!

P.S. Donate already. I know you want to…. www.firstgiving.com/yeard

- DBP

Week 16: Happy New Yeard!

2009-01-30T10:46:00.002-08:00

All-

I trust your end-of-year celebrations were all glorious and fantastic. I, for one, had a ball in the wonderful city of Charlotte, minus the fact that Shelley was conspiring with several bug-eyed emus to eat my hand at North Carolina’s own drive-through zoo (but that’s a whole other story). As you may have figured out already, the Yeard is 4 months old today. 1/3 of the way there, and looking more homeless than ever. To add to the homeless effect, and to ensure that my Yeard doesn’t get lonely, I’ve decided to also refrain from cutting my hair for the rest of this journey. Crazy, yes, but entirely awesome (and hairy) too. The combination of unkempt hair and crazy, homeless man beard while wearing a suit and tie to work every day really gets some priceless looks from the unknowing masses. I baffle people, and I like it.

At this point, some of you may still be questioning my fortitude and staying power, but I have found a way to use the homeless look to my advantage. Ladies and Gentlemen, below you will see the beard modeling shot that secured my spot as the new face of Jacobim Mugatu’s 2009 fashion campaign, Derelicte: Back to the Streets. This may come as a shock to some of you, as this is a very prestigious honor for an upstart beard model, but the incredibly-talented Mugatu was so impressed with the homelessness of my Yeard that he demanded that I model for him. And he does know what he’s talking about. I mean seriously, he did bestow upon the world the single greatest article of clothing, ever: the piano key necktie. And don’t worry, I’m fairly certain that he’s gotten over the whole “I’m going to brainwash a model to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia” thing. At least I hope so. Anywho, below is my first ever modeling shot and the logo for the new campaign. Look for the new line to come out sometime in the Spring.

What is this? A Center for ants?

P.S. Start 2009 off the right way and go donate! www.firstgiving.com/yeard

P.P.S If you’ve never seen the cinematic gem that is Zoolander, this entire update will be lost on you. And you obviously hate good movies. Go watch it.

Week 15.

2009-01-30T10:46:00.001-08:00

Sorry, too much fun is being had by me this week to post something. I will see you on the flip side.

Week 14.

2009-01-30T10:30:00.000-08:00

All-
As I was not mortgaging things last week because of the wonderful holiday season, you were denied a customary Friday Yeard update. My apologies. Anyways, below you will find the current state of the Yeard in all its homeless glory. As this week is going to be cut short because of our next holiday and I have tons of work to do before I take off for Charlotte for the New Year’s Eve festivities, this post will be short and sweet. So short and sweet, in fact, that the part about me is over…now read on about someone else. Bye!

Despite the popular belief to the contrary, I am not always hilarious. On some days, like today, I just don’t have it in me (that’s what she said) to compose an e-mail worthy of your reading. To alleviate some of the boredom and spice things up, I will start introducing you, via e-mail and pictures, to some of my beard-loving friends. Last week, all of you met Brendan Keogh, the owner of the most righteous beard I have seen in many moons. This week, we shall continue with:

Bearded Friend O’ the Week: Smaffleck!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet facial hair lover Smaffleck. When not learning how to lawyer the crap out of tax laws at the University of Florida (apparently 1 law degree isn’t enough for this tough guy), Smaffleck is a devoted follower to the lost art of growing manly hair. As is the norm with most modern day men, his beard makes very few and fleeting appearances throughout the year due to “the man” getting him down. But what he lacks in consistency he more than makes up for in style...case-in-point, the elusive Civil War beard that popped up for several hours in our second year of law school. There is some form of photographic evidence, but Smaffleck refuses to part with it, so I cannot show it to you in all of its glory.

Smaffleck also enjoys long walks on the beach, screen-printing his own trendy hipster t-shirts with his face on them, painting “Aaaarples” (pirate apples, long story), drinking wine, and writing the first draft of his autobiography: Memoirs of an Idiot: The Smaffleck Story.*

Below, you will see Smaffleck in a mug shot. Based on the picture, I can only assume that he was arrested for drinking that beer like a sissy girl…not fast enough. If you happen to see Smaffleck in the near future, tell him to grow a beard if he doesn’t have one, tell him he’s a sissy girl that needs to drink faster, and congratulate him for recently engaging the lovely Ms. Perez.

Peace out, my friends.

P.S. Donate! www.firstgiving.com/yeard

* Those of you close to Smaffleck will know that this is not the true title of his memoirs. However, as this is a charity event and some people are more PC than I choose to be, the real name will be withheld. I love you.

-DBP

Week 13: Still Determined?

2009-01-30T10:28:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen-

Throughout our journey thus far, I have tried to remain steadfast in my dedication to this ridiculous challenge. It has been difficult, as of late, to remain devoted to the Yeard for several reasons. For starters, I actually do look homeless now. My acquaintances don’t recognize me, and I am the cause of several quizzical looks every day, especially from my neighbors. I fear it won’t be long until the police are called to report to a B & E by a homeless man at 12 N Shine, only to have them find me unlocking the house with a set of keys. My only hope is that they are not quick on the draw with the taser so I can explain what’s happening before I’m writhing on the ground with 50,000 volts coursing through my body. Also, my moustache has overtaken my upper lip by force and is now growing into my mouth. Disgusting yes, but it’s also a logistical nightmare. Eating has become nearly impossible, and I’m afraid that my ability to speak may be interrupted by the aggressive moustache any minute.

That having been said, I have seen the bearded light. Inspiration struck in the form of one Brendan John Richard Keogh. He appeared out of nowhere (Denver, actually) to party old-school style and fight the negative feelings I’ve been having about the Yeard lately. I will be the first to admit that I suffered a severely acute case of Beard Envy when I saw the glorious beast below walk through my door last night, but as time went on and the beers went down, the envy turned into inspiration. Though his face-mane is more majestic than mine could ever hope to be (if you ever have the opportunity and catch Skee-Lo off guard, run your fingers through his glorious beard – I swear to everything holy that it is made of silk), not to mention absolutely enormous, I again have the desire and determination to see this crazy mission through the end. Thank you, Brendan.

P.S. Props also go out to Victoria for having a camera handy to capture this meeting of the beards.

Week 12!

2009-01-30T10:24:00.001-08:00

Dearest Friends-

Well, we have officially reached the end of 3 months. ¼ of the way there, and I have to say, I am quite pleased with the results so far. I look more and more homeless every day, and I am in the initial stages of social ostracism. It will be a true highlight of the Yeard when a kind and generous person tries to hand me their change while I’m standing outside of 7-11. Alas, sacrifices must be made for the good of the people.

Below you will see a profound image so full of awesomeness that it can barely be contained in a single image…Beards and Bowties, the greatest combination of anything ever*. Peanut butter & jelly? Pffft. Nonsense compared to the beard and bowtie combo. Thunder and lightning? I laugh at you. As a matter of fact, I think I shall start referring to the beard and bowtie combo as simply “The Combo.” One day, I want to walk down a street full of unknown passers-by, and hear nothing but “Hey man, sweet combo.” If only in dreams.

* The Beard and Bowtie combo wins the “Greatest Combo” award by a narrow margin over the Moustache and Visor combo as seen below. Fantastic stuff…too bad I will miss Moustache May this year

Week 11: Go Gators!

2009-01-30T09:56:00.000-08:00

Peeps-
Happy pre-SEC Championship Friday! As you can see from the photo below, my Yeard and I have thrown caution to the wind and blatantly defied the standardized norms of casual Friday by wearing all sorts of Gator-y orange and blue accoutrement to support the Boys from Old Florida from afar. Sadly enough, many factors beyond my control have prevented me from joining the masses in Atlanta to cheer the Gators on to victory in person. Don’t fret, however, for my Yeard and I have vowed to band together with the remaining Gator fans in Orlando to scream at a TV as loudly as we can and drink as many beers as it takes to ensure a victory and resulting trip to the National Title game. Together, we can accomplish anything.

For those of you going to the game, I hate you. Not really, but yes I do. Everyone travel safely, don’t cheer for the idiots from Alabama, and drink as much as you can. Raser, don’t forget about our bet. BAH BANAH NAH NAH NAH GO, GATORS!

P.S.

I hate to nag everyone about being philanthropic during the current economic climate in the U, S and A, but it’s been over 2 ½ weeks since the Yeard has had a donation on the Firstgiving site. I wish I could say that you should donate so that my Yeard has drinking money this weekend, but there is a much great cause to be advanced: the mission of Cents of Relief. So do your part and help some impoverished and exploited Indian women (and their children) who are subjected to the ills of human trafficking and the illegal sex industry by donating a small amount to the cause: www.firstgiving.com/yeard And go Gators!

Week 10.

2009-01-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

Facial Hair-Loving Masses-

Regrettably, the Thanksgiving Holiday prevented me from sending out a Yeard update to you last week. Well, it wasn’t so much the actual holiday, it was more me taking advantage of the 4 day weekend to do the following things (in no particular order): Eat my first Turducken, drink my weight in beer while catching up with long-lost friends, hang Christmas lights for the first time at 12 N Shine (pictures may follow in a future Yeard update), watch the Florida Gators demolish the idiot Seminoles, play caps with Schmidt using Three Philosphers at 2 in the afternoon (highly recommended), pick out a Christmas tree with Shell, and play 5 hours worth of Wii tennis. You might say that it was a good weekend. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving as well. Now on to the Yeard!

Because so many people informed me of their distaste for my lack of updating, I thought I would surprise you with this special treat: 2 updates in one week. No need to thank me, just go donate if you haven’t yet. Before we move on to the unveiling of the first picture of the week, some notes:
1. Yes, I am in shock because I officially look homeless. Don’t tease me, I swear I live somewhere (and no, it’s not a cardboard box).
2. My neck is slowly disappearing into a mass of hairy quicksand. I can only imagine the level of pale that it will reach in the coming months, and the ensuing sunburn it will receive next September when the Yeard is gone.
3. Moustache: 1, Upper Lip: 0. I told you it was going to disappear.
4. I think I may just stop cutting my hair along with my beard so that next Halloween, I can just walk around and people will think I’m going as Jesus.
5. Staring directly into the blackness of the Yeard is like staring directly into the sun: totally awesome!

I will catch up with you bozos on Friday. Have a great rest o’ the week.

Week 9: Ernest?

2009-01-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

Hello All-
First, let me sincerely apologize for not sending out a proper, much-anticipated Yeard update last Friday. The afternoon kind of snuck up on me out of nowhere and I couldn’t seem to get my wits about me. Plus, with the mounting anticipation of post-office (not the place where you mail things, I lit-rally mean “after the office”) drinks, I couldn’t put any witty or humorous thoughts together to keep the masses entertained. Have no fear, my friends, for I am composing this Yeard update on Thursday evening, so that it shall be waiting for you in the morning, all snuggled up in your cozy little In-box. On to the update…

My friends, you are witness to a very intimate look into the life of the Yeard: The Old Man and the Sea Copycat Phase. That’s right. The harsh Florida winter has inspired my Yeard to take after the one-and-only Ernest Hemingway circa 1942 and try to look ruggedly handsome while wearing seafaring-inspired nautical attire. I tried to tell him that 1. He is not one of the greatest American literary geniuses ever, and should not try to imitate said genius, and B. We’re in Orlando stuck in an office mortgaging things, not traipsing around Cuba with Goyo sportfishing for marlin aboard the Pilar. Please also note the differences below:

Mr. Hemingway: Sweet white beard, devil-may-care attitude, fondness for whiskey.
Yeard: Trying a bit too hard, don’t you think?

In the end, this is just a natural phase in the life of a Yeard. Let’s think of it as the “hey-you-look-at-me” teenage years. It will be over soon, and we can all move on. I’m just worried about the “Hey, I want to look like a homeless bum and panhandle for drinking money” phase. That could get interesting.

As always, thank you for reading my petty attempts at humor and supporting the cause set forth by Cents of Relief. So far, the Yearded odyssey has raised over $600 to help out! Now please go donate to keep the momentum going: http://www.firstgiving.com/yeard

-DBP

Week 8 = Motorcycling.

2009-01-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

Peeps-
Sorry, too busy motorcycling this week for a proper update, but at least you get a picture. More to come next week.

Week 7: Yeard as Time Saver.

2009-01-30T09:46:00.001-08:00

Hello, Loyal Yeard Fans-

Today’s update will be a two-and-a-half part lesson (yeah, I love hyphens – get over it. Ha! Do you see what I did there? I snuck in an extra hyphen!)

Lesson 1: Time Management
Over the last 7 weeks, I have found that the Yeard has vastly improved my efficiency. Instead of wasting time slaving over my bathroom sink to remove the daily growth of manliness from my face, the Yeard has allowed me to skip the entire process altogether, saving me lit-rally thousands of seconds. How many seconds, you ask? Precisely 12,600! Unbelievable, I know. What do I do with all of my extra leisure time? I spend it fighting the onslaught of blackness that is slowly overtaking the upper 1/3 of my body, which brings me to lesson 2:

Lesson 2: Neck Beards are Invaluable
I mean, look at that thing. It’s like staring into the blackness of space. Thank god I’m not wearing a black turtleneck. Otherwise the Yeard might try to fuse itself to the rest of my body. Along with my eyebrows, I think the Yeard has had clandestine meetings with my chest hair to try and form some kind of Hairy Axis of Powers. If they unified, it would be an all-out war: me against every hair on my body. While this could be incredibly scary and/or bloody, I do have admit my admiration for the girth that the neck beard adds to the Yeard. In the coming months, it will be huge.

Lesson 2.5 What the Hell is Wrong with my Nose?:
According to this week’s photographic documentation (and I really, really hope it’s just this picture), I have a giant, crooked nose. How have none of you brought this to my attention in the last 25 years?

As always, thank you for your support of this Yearded Odyssey. If you are so inclined, please donate anything you can to the Cents of Relief cause at http://www.firstgiving.com/yeard.

- DBP

P.S.
I’d like you to meet Avery, the newest member of the 12 N. Shine household. She was an early Christmas present from Shell, and despite her unbearably cute countenance, do not be fooled, for she is a spawn of Satan…nothing but a fuzzy ball of puppy energy, needle-sharp teeth, and mischievousness.

6 Down, 46 to go!

2009-01-30T09:40:00.000-08:00

Week 6:

Well, Peeps, week 6 has come and gone. Nothing too exciting to report, other than an incident involving the now-egotistical Yeard in the middle of the week. It seems as though the Yeard is already feeling underappreciated and wants to really “get out there in the world,” and to start off the process, he demanded to be legally verified by the State government of Florida. As such, I was forced to trek to the DMV in the middle of the day Wednesday to have his likeness duly recorded on an official document – my driver’s license. While this appeased the beast for the time being, I was fairly convinced that one of the following incidents was going to cause me some legal trouble while at the DMV:
1. Judith, the helpful DMV associate, tried to tell me that “[they] don’t give licenses to homeless people that come in off the street.”
2. I had to answer, with a straight face, the following question: “Are you, or have you ever been, involved with terrorist activities on American soil?”
3. Judith had to re-take my picture three times because she said, and I quote, “Enough of your face isn’t showing…there is too much black hair to make a positive identification.”

Yes, my friends, it seems as though prejudice against the bearded (or Yearded) is alive and well in the great State of Florida. My Yeard and I have committed to furthering the Bearded/Yearded Cause throughout our remaining ’09-’10 campaign to give a voice to those beards too afraid to do so for themselves. My name is Daniel Poskevich, and I (and my Yeard), approve this message.

- DBP

P.S.
Don’t forget to vote, either early this weekend or on Super Tuesday. It is your civic duty. Haha, “duty.”

P.P.S.
Have a wonderful Halloween…the Purple Parrots will surely win the Halloween edition of “Legends of the (Drunken) Hidden Temple!”

P.P.P.S
Please don’t copy my license and steal my identity. I need it.

Week 5: The Yeard cannot be trusted.

2009-01-30T09:39:00.001-08:00

Peeps-
Well, we’re 5 weeks in. This past week’s growth can be described as “strong” to “quite strong,” as both the fullness and rich color are starting to come together nicely. It is only a matter of time before the Yeard, as a cohesive and sentient group of individual beard hairs (bairs or hairds, anyone?), organizes a non-violent coup d'etat and tries to overtake my entire face once and for all. In last year’s beard growing attempt, it was a battle until the end to maintain sole control over my face…but in the end, I prevailed over the sneaky beard. As you’ll see in the picture below, I am quite suspicious of the overall intentions of the Yeard so far, and I’m starting to wonder whether my eyebrows are in cahoots with said Yeard. Do not be alarmed if one or both of my eyebrows goes missing in an attempt to break up this conspiracy…

As always, feel free to read more about the reasoning/excuse behind the Yeard, and feel free to donate to a good cause: http://www.firstgiving.com/yeard I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.

- DBP

Week 4, 1/12 of the way there!

2009-01-30T09:35:00.000-08:00

Well Friends, we’re 1/12 of the way there. As you can see, the Yeard is coming along slowly-but-surely. At least after a month it looks more like a beard than it did. Throughout the first couple of weeks, it looked like a small cloud was following me around everywhere, casting a beard-shaped shadow on my face. Instead of the straight-on headshot, this picture was taken at an angle to provide evidence to you, the Yeard-loving public, that there has been no neck shaving going on. Some might say that a true beard should be shaped and contoured along the jaw line. I say nay. The neckbeard provides much needed size and volume to any good Yeard. In the coming months, you will see how the neck beard nearly doubles the size of the Yeard…it is truly a majestic sight to behold. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. More updates to come!

P.S.
1. I don’t want any snide comments about my hair. Yes, I know the parted-on-the-side combover is not a trendy or cool hairstyle. But I also know that I am probably the only person that any of you know that has had the same hairstyle since they were 4-years-old (as evidenced by the second picture…and yes, I still wear the same shirts that I did when I was 4. Damn…it’s like I’m a giant 4-year-old with extra hair). There is certainly something to be said for longevity, you trend-following bastards.
2. Yes, I know my Yeard is about 8 different colors. It’s called genetics, people. Once the Yeard gains some mass, it will be as dark as the rest of my hair. Peace!

- DBP

Week 3.

2009-01-30T09:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry, no update this week. I get lazy sometimes. See you in Week 4.

Week 2: 2 Down, 50 to go.

2009-01-30T09:28:00.000-08:00

Friends-

Here is your very first Yeard update. I’ve managed to survive the first 14 days with no problems, save the fact that I constantly look like there is a layer of dirt affixed to my face. Other than that, everything is going swimmingly. The itch factor has been surprisingly absent this year, which is very nice.

Please notice several things in the attached picture:

There is some hair on my face, but it’s nothing that I could call a “beard” with any conviction, nor is it enough beard real estate for small woodland creatures to nest for the winter.
Casual Friday = no tie!
I am cool enough to wear my sunglasses inside. Don’t judge me.

As always, feel free to visit http://www.firstgiving.com/yeard to donate to the cause and to find out more information. The next update will most likely be in a week, unless I forget. Peace out…see some of you at the Counting Crows show tonight. Beers!

- DBP

The Yeard Begins: Week 1

2009-01-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

Hello, Dearest Friends-

As most of you may have heard by now, I have decided to undertake the most challenging facial hair expedition known to man: the Yeard. For those of you not in the know, a Yeard is year-long beard. Ridiculous? Possibly. Awesome? Definitely. In order to give this mission some form of legitimacy, I am growing my Yeard in the name of charity. When you have a moment, please visit my Yeard’s website to find out more information and to stay updated on its hostile takeover of my face: http://www.firstgiving.com/yeard If you are so inclined, please donate to the cause. I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope to see all of you soon. As always, please forward this on to anyone you think would enjoy seeing it.

- DBP